you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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