i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
