So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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