just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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