I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
