When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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