Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
