Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
