So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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