wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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