im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My legs feel like baby dolphins
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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