when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
