babies were throwing up all over the place
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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