I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
