did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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