Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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