Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
