Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
