I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
