well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
4 words: hood of his car
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
