he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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