I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
