Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Someone signed my nipple.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
