imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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