I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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