Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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