If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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