I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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