my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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