Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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