you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
