I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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