im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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