Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
