I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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