I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I believe in your delicious
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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