im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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