If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
