I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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