So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
