I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
