I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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