Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
