and my herpes radar will keep us safe
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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