You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
