can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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