Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
