Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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