Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
