The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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