Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
