Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Everclear isn't food dammit
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
