I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
