I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
