Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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