My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
