Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
