I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
