I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
