Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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