fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
