She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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